Fire Emblem:  The Blazing Joint
by Andrzejewski
Summary: A parody of FE7: The Blazing Sword.  Starts out crappy and perverted, but will get better.  Please Review!
1. Prologue

Fire Emblem: The random sword that is supposed to hurt dragons but doesn't do crap against them. (Lyn's Story) By Andrzejewski

Prologue: The Horny Swordswoman

Once, dragons and men tolerated each other.

They shared a peace forged in blood,

a peace that lasted nearly two hours.

All was lost when mankind slaughtered

this balance when they found out that an

evil dragon ate Sir Arnold's burger.

Man engaged dragon in a horrific orgy

that shook the foundations of their world.

This orgy was called The Big Boner.

Horny and satisfied,

dragons vanished from the realm.

In time, man got horny again

and spread his

legs across the land and

started humping sheep.

A millennium has passed

since those dark days ended.

"Are you awake? I found you unconscious on the plains. I am Lyn, of the Lorca tribe. You're hot when you're sleeping. Who are you? Can you remember your name?"

I told her my name.

"Your name is Cephus? What an odd-sounding name... Eh. I can live with it. I see by your short dick that you are insecure."

I looked around. I had no idea who this chick was. And she had sex with me in my sleep? Weird.

"What brings you to the Sacae Plains? What was that noise? I'll go see what's happening. As you can see, I have ADHD. Nice shoes. I like cake. Oh, no! Bandits! They must have come down to steal the golden Dubliner! They must be planning on raiding the local villages. I... I have to stop them! If that's all of them, I think I can handle them on my own. You'll be safe in here, Cephus! What? You want to help? Well, can you use a weapon?"

And I told her, I said, "I can't fight. I smoke weed and tell YOU to fight. I'm a tactician."

"Ah, I see... So you're a strategist? What the hell kind of job is that? Over here! If you want to help, Cephus, Stay out of my way. I'll even carry you. Hey! Just because I'm giving you a piggyback ride doesn't mean you can touch my tits while I fight! Save that for later!"

The Next Morning

"Good morning, Cephus! Are you awake yet? That party yesterday must have taken a lot out of you. Say, Cephus... I want to talk to you about something. You have some experience in the ways of sex, I can see. "

I rolled my eyes, not wanting to be accused of rape. "Are you even old enough?"

"What? You want me to get permission from my parents? My mother and my

father... left me to work at a crack house in Pherae. I am so young, and my parents are old. They wouldn't follow the tribe slut.

Sniff...I've been alone for so long. Sniff... Thank you. I'm better now. Cephus, tell me you'll train me, that you'll let me travel with you! You will? That's wonderful! Thank you! Oh, thank you! We'll be better off working together, I know it. You'll be my fuck buddy, and I'll be your drug dealer! We can do it! Right?"

We do it.

Travel with Lyn, Cephus. Give her your aid, and you'll get a nice reward in your pants. Complete the tasks set out in each chapter, and help Lyn in her quest.

A/N: Sorry about the first chapter, but I'll make Lyn less perverted, because that's Sain's job, and less random, that's Brammimond's (I think that's how it's spelled) job.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: I forgot to say, I don't own Fire Emblem or anything else I reference.

Chapter 1: The Sain and the Reckless

The apprentice tactician Cephus and the young swordfighter Lyn. A strange pair on an even stranger journey. To prepare for the long road ahead, they go to Bulgar-Sak, the commercial center of Ballsacae. Unbeknownst to Lyn, she will discover someone who will fuck her over.

In the sex shop at the Bulgar-Sak mall

"Cephus! Over here! This is Bulgar-Sak, the biggest city in all of Ballsacae. We should purchase supplies for our journey. Oh, my heart! What a dazzling vision of loveliness! A copy of Back Door Sluts 9! Or should I get Sexy Beast Tribe: Tellius? Is that considered bestiality, or normal porn?" I told her it was normal porn, and that she should watch it for the sheer fact that it had Lethe and that wolf queen from RD in it. I also added that Back Door sluts 9 could corrupt even the filthiest minds even further. A knight in green armor approached. He called out to Lyn, "Wait, O beauteous one! Would you not favor me with your name? Or better yet, your vagina?" "Where are you from, dumbass, that you try to rape me in a sex shop?"" Ha! I thought you'd never ask! I am from Lycia. I hail from the Caelin Brothel, home to the finest kind of hookers! My job is to keep them satisfied when business is poor." Sain leaned against a pillar, trying to be smooth. "Shouldn't that be " home to millions of STDs"?" Sain winced at Lyn's harsh comment."Ooooh... You're even lovely when you're cruel. Mind accompanying me to the local inn? I hear they recently kicked out some couple and are making them sleep in the stable for blasphemy. How about we go bump uglies in their old room?" Sain seemed excited, but was shot down when Lyn said,"Let's go, Cephus. I've nothing more to say." Let's go back to my tent to fuck, okay?" "Wait! Please...Come on baby…"

Kent shouted: "Sain! Hold yo motha'-fuckin' tongue!" "Ah, Kent! My bro! Why so severe an expression?" Sain kept calm. "If you were more serious, I wouldn't have to be so severe! We still have a mission to complete, Sain!" Kent yelled. Sain said calmly, "Obviously. But how could I remain silent in the presence of such beauty? It would have been missing a chance at sex!" Sain was obviously said, "What do you know of courtesy!" "A lot actually…" I was horrified to see Sain pull out a copy of Barney Stintson's _The Playbook_. Lyn said, "Excuse me! You're blocking the road. If you would be so kind as to maybe… GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY?" I told Kent discreetly that she was on her period. "Of course. My apologies..." As Kent moved his horse out of the way, Lyn said, "Thank you . You, at least, seem honorable enough." "Hm?" Kent said, "Pardon me, but... I feel we've met before." "I remember. You were with that creep, and we had a drinking contest. I won, but then vomited blood all over my nicest couch. Best St. Paddy's Day EVER," Lyn proudly exclaimed.

Sain yelled, "Hey! No fair, Kent! I saw her first!" "Come On! It seems there are no decent men among Lycia's knights! Let's go, Cephus! I'm horny again!" Lyn stormed off. I continued to hear Sain and Kent argue. "Wait, please! It's not like that. Sain, you bastard!" Kent was pulsing with anger as Sain continued to ignore him. "Awesome! The Lyndis… Supposedly the best play in the book on getting Ballsacaen women! Let's try that one on her…" Kent screamed furiously, "I am NOT you! Come, we must follow her. I suspect she might be— "Be what?" Sain interrupted, "She's our mission? You're joking! Wait!"

One Battle Later…


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the review(s)! I'll make changes. It may take me longer to update, but I'll also try to make it more novel-like than a half-assed attempt at changing the game script. From here on out, all my ball sack jokes will vanish, mostly because they get old quickly. When I get another review, I'll post Chapter 3.–Dark Lord

Chapter 2: Conversation after Chapter 1

"Hell yeah! They're dead! And now for these perverts of Lycia. You were going to share your story with me?" "Yes," said Kent. "We have ventured from Caelin, in Lycia, in search of someone. And Sain's the perv here." "And proud!" Sain shouted off in the distance, and then went back to, in a Shakespearean manner, asking one of the village ladies to flash him.

"Lycia... Mom said she grew up there. Then she met Dad, and moved here," said Lyn.

Kent said, "Correct. We've come as messengers to the lady Madelyn, who slept with some random nomad about 19 years ago."

Lyn exclaimed, "The way you put that… devoid of all emotion. I'm dying of laughter."

Kent, obviously agitated, continued. "Your mother was our Lord Hausen of Caelin's only daughter. He was heartbroken his own daughter would abandon him. Eventually, the marquess simply disowned her." "And then this year, we received a letter from Lady Madelyn. It sain that she, her husband, and their daughter were living happily on the Sacae plains. The marquess was ecstatic to learn he had a granddaughter of 18 years. The granddaughter's name is Lyndis. This was also the name of the marquess's wife, who faked her death at an early age, then ironically died after her zombie impression at her supposed funeral," Sain chimed in, his face burning from the gin and tonic splashed in it.

Lyn seemed confused. "Lyndis?" Sain continued Kent's monologue. Madelyn's daughter yet lives. We heard that she was living alone on the plains… alone… WITH A CRIZZLE!*

*anyone who gets this reference gets the square root of negative pi dollars.

Kent started monologuing. " I... I knew it immediately. You are the lady Lyndis." "No, I'm not," Lyn said, just to be contradictory. "Your resemblance to your departed mother is remarkable," Said Kent. Lyn said, "What? Did you know my mother? Please tell me Sain didn't…""No, I never met her. Sain never met her either, and perhaps that's a good thing."

"Okay, so I'm the new ruler of Caelin?" Kent seemed unresponsive. Lyn suddenly realized something. "Wait. That bandit! He called me Lyndis, too! "What? Lundgren…" Kent mumbled. "Lundgren? Sounds like the noise a constipated walrus would make," Lyn stated, then went off on a tangent on walruses.

Kent explained. "He's the marquess's younger brother. Everyone assumed the lady Madelyn was gone forever. This made Lord Lundgren heir to the marquess's title."

Sain continued. "To be blunt, milady, your existence is an obstacle to your granduncle's ambitions. You see, he and Hugh Hefner had a deal. Lundgren wanted to trade in Castle Caelin… for the Playboy Mansion!" "That's horrible! But I have no interest in inheriting any title!"

"Unfortunately, your granduncle is not the sort of man to believe that. Biggest douche I ever knew," Sain stated calmly. "I feel I have little choice. I will go with you." Lyn stared at me, and saw my video camera. She promptly put on makeup and partially unbuttoned her shirt. "Cephus... I'm sorry. This changes everything. What will you do, Cephus?" "I really don't give a damn," I said. "I'd do either for a Klondike bar." Lyn started frothing at the mouth. "You... want me to decide? Of course, your companionship would do much to ease my journey, but... I have something to tell you…I see dead people."

A/N: I don't feel like writing another chapter now, so I'll just publish this to keep you people happy. And by the way, "Sexy Beast Tribe" mentioned in chapter 1 will be featured in a Tellius story.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 2: Flask of Spirits

A small altar lies on the outskirts of Bulgar. This ancient temple, sacred to the people of Sacae, has long been known for its powerful bond to the world of Wayne. Before starting their journey, our travelers come here to pray for their well-being (among other things). At this altar, Lyn's hand is directed to a grand inheritance.

Lyn said, "Cephus, hold a moment, and allow me a short detour. There is a pork sword enshrined in an altar east of here. The people of Sacae go there to play with the disembodied pork sword for good luck."

"That's nice. But why play with that one when mine's right here…" Sain explained as he attempted to draw his own pork sword, only for Kent to hit him in the family jewels. Kent started going off on his own editorial.

"The teachings of Elimine have the most followers in Elibe. It is nice to see that the ancient customs are still observed. I heard sacrifices were once given up here. Why not use Sain to reinstate that tradition? Seems useful," Kent said, stroking his imaginary beard.

Meanwhile, inside the temple…

Glass said "Old man! Stay where you are, and shut the fuck up!"

Priest : Threaten me as you will, but I'll not give up the Pork Katti. The Pork Katti is a horny blade, under divine protection. It cannot be removed from it's place of rest!" Said the priest.

Glass : You're a dumbass, old man. What good is a pork sword, if you can't jerk it?

"Jerk it?" Said the priest, "In combat? Sacrilege!"

Glass went on a monologue. "Sacrilege? I am Glass! I break if dropped! My dick is long! And if I want this pork sword, then this pork sword I shall have! Now, get out of my way, before I eat your children!" Glass pushed the old man.

Glass got his hands on the Pork Katti. "This is it! It's more magnificent than I'd imagined! This sword was made for a swordsman of my skill. Hmm? What's this? I can't... draw the pork sword... from its condom?"

"Listen, you senile old fool, if you value your own life, you'll get out of my sight! SHIT! Miserable spirits! I fucking hate you! I'll tear this altar down stone by stone!

Back with Lyn and the gang…

Random woman told Lyn: "Hurry and help the priest there. I saw a band of ruffians head in there not long ago. They seemed intent on stealing the altar's pork sword!

Lyn looked shocked at what the useless NPC told her. "The Pork Katti... They're going to steal it? I cannot allow this to happen!"

Random woman shouted at Lyn, "You look like a virtuous group. Please, help him!"

THE BATTLE STARTED.

After the battle…

A/N: Sorry about the rush job, and the delay. I just REALLY want to get to a part with more Sain!


End file.
